s5 (s5) wrote,

Cuddles, the Christmas Cactus.

Well I just downloaded The Star Wars Holiday Special off Bittorrent, and it truly is the worst movie / spectacle I've ever seen in my life. I completely support George Lucas's efforts to eliminate every copy of it from existence, and I'd even go as far as saying that I'm now slightly sympathetic to the anti-Bittorrent argument. Any technology that could allow The Star Wars Holiday Special to attain immortality should be regarded with extreme caution.

It starts off with twenty uncut and unsubtitled minutes of Chewbacca's family, puttering about the house for the Wookie holiday, groaning incoherently over a backdrop of saccharinely touching music. Apparently, Chewie might not make it home in time to celebrate, even with Han Solo's expert flying. The disappointed Wookie son ("Lumpy") amuses himself by irritating his grandfather and, later, watches a miniature circus while gyrating about with his hands off-camera. Although the special is G-rated, we can only assume the worst.

From here, we fast forwarded a bit, and suddenly stormtroopers have taken the family hostage for reasons that are undisclosed to us. A few more clicks of the scan button in Quicktime, and we're treated to an out-of-place musical number by Jefferson Starship, followed by a visit to the bar in Mos Eisley. Lucky for us, the faithful viewers, Bea Arthur of Golden Girls is the sassy bartender of the night, who sings us another musical number, backed by The Residents-like Mos Eisley band playing a slow jam version of the only song they seem to know. Drinking and revelry take place, and seemingly no crime under Bea Arthur's iron fist.

More fast forwarding, and the movie now appears to be a low budget Hanna-Barbera cartoon, which I'm assuming was done to save money on special effects. In fact, the only special effects seem to have been clipped from the original Star Wars movie. The cartoon portion of the movie ends, and we're back to the Wookie family under siege.

Han Solo then rescues the family, Luke Skywalker and C3PO escape their unfortunate but eminently escapable trap, and Chewie makes it home in time for the holidays. Huzzah! Princess Leia says some words of wisdom, then presents Chewie with some kind of honor as the Triumph of the Will music from the original Star Wars plays in the background. As the story ends, we're treated to a montage of unrelated scenes from the original movie. Then, credits, followed by an advertisement commanding parents to buy the action figures.

All in all, it sucked.

Since the holiday season started, we've been listening to SomaFM's Xmas in Frisko just about non-stop. While continuous, piped-in Christmas music generally drives me crazy, they serve up a pretty good blend of old-timey xmas music with plenty of holiday weirdness mixed in. Like Twisted Sister singing "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" over "We're Not Going To Take It", or the occasional carol with the lyrics rewritten to celebrate gun ownership. I don't know how to describe it. Just listen to it for a few hours if you get the itch for some holiday fucking cheer.

My only objection are the occasional songs where the songwriter has obviously tried to invent their own Christmas mythology but failed miserably. It was as if they thought "yes! Tex The Cowboy Santa is totally going to be the next Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer!" Uh, no, he's not. Tex is going to fade away into instant obscurity.

Lately we've been running into people on the street again, like unicornflower just last night. Maybe it's because "Jesus Is The Reason For The Season", but somehow we arrived at the topic of religion. Olivia and I and Marc are all atheists but he was defending the idea of progressive religions, while Olivia and I were arguing that faith is inherently regressive.

Well whichever it is, Happy Jesus's Birthday, everyone!
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